Jobs are Easily Found but Hard to Get

March has been a thick whirlpool for me as I’m still looking for a job. I have signed up for an online class that should help me with a potential freelancing outlook in the near future, but other than that I’ve given up on physical jobs. So many of the ones near me are not in my field or require years of experience that I don’t have. The few chances I did get said no with vague reasoning.

I’ve been putting more effort into learning about blogging and the mind boggling world of SEO. Years ago I abandoned a blog I did for fun during my college years and surprisingly it still gets views. I was astonished. For the last 7 years it’s been getting 1K - 2K views per year on a dead site. Since my film blog struggles to even get double digits in a single year I decided to focus on both.

I am glad I did this. I’ve learned more about blogging than I have in my 10 years of doing it as a hobby. However, I’m still not getting results. The vast majority of views are still being held by my old articles, so while I’ve learned a lot about blogging this month I also feel as if I’ve learned little. I think a big problem is networking. I am terrible at social media and have far fewer followers on all of my platforms combined than a single normal person has on one of theirs. But then, when thinking about all the things I could be doing better, I tend to spiral.

Reminiscing of a Stable Job

I’m not sure why, but the other night I dreamed about my previous job — working at a movie theatre. I can’t say I enjoyed the job, but I loved working with everyone there. The number one reason I kept walking through their doors was simply because of how much I enjoyed working with some amazing people.

On one hand that may have been a crutch for me. Since I left, I’ve realized how dependent on that job I was for my social interaction. Outside of work I went home, maybe went to a book store or two, but that was it. All my talk, thoughts, excitement, sorrows, were all saved for work. To some people I genuinely considered friends… even if we never hung out outside our shifts. Now I am alone. I converse with friends online, through apps, but I hardly have conversations with anyone outside my family these days. Luckier if I even leave the house.

I wasn’t great at my job, but I’d like to think I was somewhat good at it. I felt comfortable, for the most part if you don’t count angry customer interactions, and maybe more importantly I felt like I belonged somewhere.

It may be silly. I still can’t believe I had this revelation. But, one of the things I dreadfully miss from my job was feeding my coworkers. I loved going across the street and buying cookies for someone. During Christmas time, I’d bake my green sugar cookies and bring them in. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one addicted to them. I absolutely loved talking about recipes of sweets I baked previously. Silly, but I can’t describe the feeling I get when I feed people I care about.

I’ve been thinking about how stupid I was for leaving, but then I remember the biggest reason I left was out of fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to prove to myself that I could do better, challenge myself, aim and hope for something I have dreamed about.

And yet, I can’t help but feel like that job was the only thing I was good at and the only thing I could ever be good at.

Furious Reading

In my last post I think I talked about my struggle to read in my emotional state. I feel like I’ve gotten past that now. On the final days of my Kindle Unlimited free trial I was able to read All Systems Red, the first novella in the Murderbot Diaries. I’ve been wanting to read this for soooo long, but the physical books are expensive. At 150 pages this is around $18, which is a huge gamble. Thankfully, Kindle Unlimited provided me with a worry not answer… although looking back on this now I probably could have read it for free if I had checked my library.

This entire week I’ve been reading Dune. This weekend is the last chance to see Dune Part 2 in IMAX, so I am furiously reading through it as fast as I can emotionally handle so that I can see the movie on the big screen this Sunday. Dune has been a great reading experience even though it feels like I’m speed running it. For as big of a book as it is I’m shocked how rushed the writing feels. The first 400 pages has SO much going on at such a brisk pace. As a (future) writer it was a joy to pick out the shortcuts Frank Herbert was using to convey as much information as possible in as little space as he could so that he could get the real, big, story going.

Definitely a masterclass in writing. I did chuckle at the notion that this book is beloved by so many, influential in its genre, and awakened a world to fans everywhere and yet it’s the perfect example of tell don’t show, the complete opposite of what writers are told to do. Once I finish, I’d love to see if any articles have been written about this.

Quiet on Set

Nickelodeon was a big part of my childhood not because it had cartoons (and they were great, but that greatness was shared with Cartoon Network and Disney Channel) but because it helped me transition to live action shows. I was a very picky and know-it-all kid. In some respects I still am. But back then, my biggest passion and thought in life was ‘animation was king.’ Who could blame me? I grew up in the golden renaissance of cartoons. Cartoon Cartoons, Kids WB, SpongeBob SquarePants, whatever Disney had at the time, everyone in the animation biz was killing it and I did not want to leave.

You know you had a big ego as a kid when you looked down on live action tv shows and vowed never to watch what your family was watching, because why would you give up on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jackie Chan Adventures, What’s New Scooby-Doo, Chalkzone, Rugrats, Justice League, Samurai Jack, and so much more?

Well, Nickelodeon was the gateway and I couldn’t tell you why. All I remember is it started with The Amanda Show. Maybe it was just the simple act of seeing other kids doing stuff only grown-ups were doing at the time, but that opened me up to All That, Drake & Josh, Zoey 101, iCarly, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, and Mr. Meaty. Eventually my prejudice against live action would ebb away as I moved to the Disney Channel for The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Corey in the House.

What I’m trying to say, and probably failing at, is the docu-series Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV focuses on an aspect of children’s television that was a pivotal point for my growth. The shows and stars that are discussed are burned into my memory, even if I didn’t think they were still in there. Some of the grown child stars that were interviewed hit me like a ton of bricks because the reference footage from their episodes are memories I didn’t even know I still had. It was an eerie experience watching scenes, jokes, shows that I thought I left in the past still lock away in my memory, and now as that memory has bubbled up into my adult body it gave a whole new concept of said memory.

The docu-series explores Nickelodeon’s rise in kids TV, specifically under Dan Schneider, and highlights how certain aspects of the filmmaking have left adults and kids with trauma. One of the earliest footage the doc shows are clips of jokes that I vividly remember as a kid, and laughed at as a kid, but as an adult you’re taken aback by how sexual and uncomfortable it is.

The 4 episode series covers behind the scenes with interviews of the only 2 women in the writers room (who illegally had to split a salary between each other), and the shocking and demeaning things they were made to do, to interviews with cast members who were put in uncomfortable situations that they’re still dealing with to this day.

It was a difficult watch, especially when the series goes down the rabbit hole of child predators on set. The series is filled with some unthinkable behavior that became normalized around kids. There are emotional interviews with the kids parents where they tried their best, but the industry kept them in the dark or pushed them out.

A lot of these shows were personal to me as a kid, especially Drake & Josh, and it’s upsetting to find out that these shows that could give kids a laugh and some hope were built on a foundation of pain. I’m glad it came out. There’s no satisfying ending. I’m sure the effects of this will be felt for a long time. It was a tough watch.

My New Obsession

Last year I found a delightfully trashy show called The Traitors. For Americans, it’s on the streaming service Peacock. It’s a game show where contestants are reality celebrities. So you’ll have people from Survivor, Big Brother, and other reality shows competing in a game.

The rules are thus: At the beginning of the game a couple people, unknown to the group, will be picked as the traitors. Their goal is to ‘kill’ and vote off the other members, known as faithfuls. Each day everyone plays a game for money. The amount of money they win is added to a pot. At the end of each day everyone converses around a table and votes out by majority rule who they believe is a traitor. At night, while everyone sleeps, the traitors gather to vote out, or ‘kill,’ one of the faithfuls. At the end of the game, if there are no traitors left then the accumulated money in the pot is divided between all the remaining faithfuls. However, should there be a traitor among the finale then they steal all the money for themselves.

I love the concept of this game, however, the American version is full of annoying reality stars who prove week after week why they could never survive on their own in the real world. Sometimes that provides with entertaining moments, while other times it infuriates me. Which is why it’s a guilty pleasure.

BUT!

There are other versions. Other countries host their own The Traitors like the UK, New Zealand, and my personal favorite — Australia.

The Traitors Australia is a phenomenal season of television. I cannot praise it enough. The amount of tactics going on is impressive. Easily some of the best traitor contestants I’ve seen. And there was an INSANE play from the faithfuls later in the season that blew my mind. I could not believe that happened. The Traitors Australia is a roller coaster ride and such a thrill of a game show. Highly recommended.

The Future?

Originally, this Substack was going to be an extension of my film blog. But with the way things are going that doesn’t make a whole lotta sense. This Substack isn’t bringing any new readers to my blog and my blog doesn’t have any readers to use this as an early reader.

I don’t really have a place where I can write about anything. I mean, there is my diary (when I remember to write in it) but I don’t think including what I read and watch would normally go there.

Instead, maybe I’ll transform this into a personal blog? Just a way to express my feelings when I can’t.

I don’t know.